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A Thought To The Head

by Hugs & Proxy

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1.
Lo-Ruhama 02:44
I gave it all. Slipped underneath the door and yet you shun. Your welcome mat, a sad sick contradiction. I ring. I ring that bell so many times. There must be someone home. I’m here. I’m here. I’m always here but still you think you’re alone. Fighting through resistance trying to reach someone unreachable. It’s all so wrong. A coward still. Accepting grace? Oh no you wouldn’t dare. You whore yourself to all about whom you don’t give a care. You’re there. You’re still out there but now your soul is nowhere to be found. Just go away forevermore before I tear that empty house down. Residence deleted from the list of places I might call my home someday.
2.
Got me thinking bout it every day how the same song is heard with all the old words. Standing motionless, I’m here to stay. Though there’s no need to cry, I can’t seem to fly like I did in a dream under skies long ago, where my music was heard for to touch just one soul. Got me thinking bout it every day how each girl passes by. Don’t see a reason to try. Away beyond the crowd she must be there. I’ve got so much to share. Want so much to care like I did in a dream under stars long ago, where my heartbeat was felt for to touch just one soul If you think about it every day is a shadow of the last, soon presently past. Putting it on the line’s the only way. Gotta walk through the door to see if there’s more than a dream, disappears every time that I wake. For one chance to be real, offer my soul to take.
3.
Untitled 05:56
Wish I could be hated because I love you, but I’m only hated because I am me. To love you, love you. To love you, love you. My love can only hurt. My compassion does no good. My faith can move nothing. My whole life not worth a thing to them, them, to me, me. I can’t accept what I’ve done to you. I can’t accept what you’ve done for me. Can’t hold on long to trusting you. How much more do I have to lose until I get it, until it changes? Broken down by what I know. Torn apart by what I don’t. Pressed down but not crushed, never to thrive or give up. I’ll never, never, get better, never. To love you, love you. To love you, love you. Wish I could be hated because I love you, but I’m only hated because I am me.
4.
A real friend of mine accepts who I am, always around, and wants to be there. A real friend of mine wouldn’t hold the truth from me, and never stop wanting me to care. If that’s really what a friend is, I’m afraid I’ve had none. Maybe it’s too much to ask for, But I know a friend should never say “I’m done.” I need to know what I need now. All I know is that it’s gone. Tell me. What should I ask for? Cause I don’t even know just what I want. I want to stay sane. I want to be happy. I want to care, but not too much. I want to love, but people gotta want it, and no one wants to be loved by who they don’t like. You’re telling me to just be myself as long as myself is only what you choose. You’re telling me to just be myself, just be it somewhere else. We’re finished with this ruse. If that’s really the cause for rejection, I’m afraid I’ll never change for you. Maybe I need some improvement, but I know I’ve only showed what’s true. I’ll never make it all alone now. Failure will be my only friend if who I am can’t be accepted. But I don’t even know if that’s what I should want. As long as I’m sane I’ll never be happy. I’ll always care too damn much. I’ll never love if I can’t be liked, and the future for all those things aint looking so bright. The only way to make it in this world, be the loudest, most arrogant, know it all man. The only way to make it in this world is to suck up hard on everyone you can. If that’s really how to make it, I’m afraid I’ll never kiss your ass. Maybe I’m way to pathetic for this pride, this moral tainted mass. I’ll never make it with my convictions. Failure will destroy me in the end. Tell me. What should I ask for? Cause I don’t even know just what I want. I want to create. I want to conquer. I want to work hard but not too much. I want to succeed, but first I gotta know. Tell me. What the hell is success? Oh tell me what the hell is success? Oh tell me what the hell is success? Oh tell me what the hell is success? Cause all I really know is it’s not this.
5.
I went on down to Bradstock looking for something to do, but when I got to Bradstock all I found was a crowd of people I never knew. Too many faces in here. I am shy. I cannot get through. Drinking Sunkist in the corner, all that’s left to do is talk to the lady in blue. Excitement all around us carries on with loud simple spew. But I cannot be shallow like that. Good to know you are feeling a little awkward too. The orange shore receding oh so slow in my cup, the final summer dew. Playing rummy on the couch one on one, all the while talking to the lady in blue. I will never fit in this world. All the girls I meet make me want to puke. But you are so much different from them. You are not afraid to only ever be the real you. What is this new feeling in me? I was blind to all the beauty within you. Am I really seeing all I’ve missed in a girl? I’m not afraid to talk to this lady in blue. Escaping all the noise, we met outside. Room to think out here, no one in the way. Despite what I would call the perfect place, I’m afraid I can’t think of anything more to say. So tell me what am I to do? Tomorrow I go back to school. I wish that I could stick around to figure out just what I’ve found. A girl that seems to lack the flaws who keeps on breaking all the laws of what I thought attracted me. No caution, lust or sympathy has even entered in my mind. You’re soon to find I’m not the kind to try to show off what I’ve got. I tend to point out what I’m not. I hope that you have understood that my intentions may be good, but I’m not what I seem to be. There is so much that’s wrong with me. I’m weak and broken hurting bad from failures in my life. I’ve had the living breath knocked out of me by those who said they cared for me. Am I crazy to believe that in this place I might conceive of something I could hold on to, a thought, a dream of loving you? Should I say how I feel today or get in my car and drive away? The latter choice approaching fast. Wish I could make this moment last. I’m so unsure of what I feel, of what is fake and what is real. I think it means, well I don’t know. I guess I should just turn around and go. I went on down to Bradstock looking for something to do. Somehow it was the best night I could’ve had. It is true, thanks to the lady, thanks to you.
6.
Silence 03:28
Been so long since it felt good to know another in my world. Can’t remember what’s gone right. All the embers fade to join the night. Grow friendship sowed. Builds up slow from below. At what cost? Where’s the loss? Fatal blow that to well I know. Though we met not long ago, I can’t help but know there’s a flicker in my heart. Though it’s being smothered, it still sparks. No where to go. Truth be told. I can’t know if you can’t see what could be, or the way. I can’t say. Distance grows as time runs out. I’m too afraid to let it out. Better that you never know. Pain is softer as I lay down low. Oh final flow. Melting snow covers glow. Silent streams. Inside screams for the one forever gone.
7.
Transition 03:34
Empty bench in open space, reminding us of future grace. Our names are carved upon this ground. Not sure if we are lost or found. Crying out with this appeal, "Show me anything that's real." Mess with my heart and steal my soul. Was this your bitter ending goal? There was a time when love felt strong, but this isn't the place where I belong. Left unprotected, full of fear. God has a plan and He is near. In arms of friendship, hold me tight to get me through one more night. Tenderness follows after a cry. There’s no good way to say goodbye. And now you say, it’s time to go. The words resound. They told me so. You hang up, and here I die. I hate the way we said goodbye. How did you find me at this place, compassion rolling down your face, and making puddles on the floor of everything we knew before? Open window. Shut the door to all the lies he’s told before. Since I met you, now I know hope is found, so I can grow. I know the truth but feel the lie, now I no longer have say goodbye. I know the truth and feel the lie. I don’t have to ever say goodbye.
8.
Broken alone Wander below Stars still and old Too afraid to show Beauty shines through Clouded by a fool Knowing one being Surpasses all he’s seen A single creature that exists Beyond beauty Only recognizable By a heart that loves her She could not know The curse of her gaze Eyes deep with pain Little hope remains The way she moves A heart wrenching storm Happiness torn By the unknown Lost it all As soon as I Saw true beauty All I am A big mistake One of many Left here to dwell On this mystery Presence that haunts Every ounce of me How can this be? Why must I see? That which can’t be Held close to me If only I could be blind to it It’d be easy not to love her Beauty amplifies the pain No loss of wonder None can posses Beauty like this I can’t accept Anything less Now I can see Nothing can be Ever for me Never for me All that’s left to do Is continue alone On this journey Searching for Illusive love Beyond beauty Does it exist In anyone but her Could there be Something else worth fighting for All that is there Is shown in the mirror Hopeless despair Blurred by a tear This is where I’ll always be So unworthy Longing just To be loved Beyond beauty
9.
What becomes of me? My soul beneath the sea Burdened down by grief Weight of sorrow crushes hope Life is closing in But death is not a choice Living suffocates As guilt fills each single breath I know that I am young Then why do I feel so old? Feeling like all the happiness That I’ll ever have has come and gone Nothing that I’ve seen Could ever live up to this Nothing could feel so wonderful Nothing else could hurt this badly What is there to do? When there is nothing new Nothing else worth striving for Nothing good to fill my time Someday I might see Just what it’s done to me Was it worth my while? Worth it just to try to live Somehow I hold on Still trusting of a love You have saved my soul but Will you save me from this life? Tell me there’s a way Allowing me to stay Just to live again For I won’t die within this place Tell me there’s a way Tell me I can stay Let me live again Or let me die in your embrace
10.
Summer Song 06:30
Can’t be found Can’t be known Till we share All within our souls Give to me All you are What you’ll be What you see Finding you In the storm Do you fit? In my mess Of a Of a mind As I find What I’ve known All along A simple touch I realize How little I saw Using only my eyes A heart revealed A sea of grace So freely given Hard to take Eternal Skies Within your eyes And I can’t be found Lost inside A land beyond All that I’ve known Too beautiful For what I’ve sown And as it grows In record time The endless thoughts Struggle to rhyme I smell on you The coming dawn Of a bright new day To carry us on Slow down I cannot breathe To touch such beauty So soft it’s shaking me What have I done? What have I done? This summer sung What have I done? What have I done? What have I done? To deserve This melody Gave me a song You gave me your song And I’m lost for words May I simply hum along? What harmony Are we in key? Well I can’t tell But it sounds good to me So here we stand Wrapped in the night Faces reflect Pure starlight No we can’t dance And yet we dance With a lovely movement Unsurpassed In all of time In all of space We’ve never known Such mutual grace
11.
Unfinished 03:08
Used to try to love a god I didn’t even know Used to try to try to fool myself that I was something good Used to think that someday it would all just come to me Used to but I found myself to be completely empty While pacing in the dark the same repeated plea To care about anything else, some purpose to hold Each time I opened up betrayers stole and ran So cold and hopeless that I almost froze in place Don’t take me back Don’t alter a thing Nothing short of all that pain Could teach me how to sing What was gained as a child Had never quite gone away Freedom to live my life Not owning a single day Now to try to know a god I cannot help but love You tell me how to live, I’ll tell you who to meet I can’t do anything but I can do all things I can’t know everything so run what you will by me So here’s a kiss for the one I love So here’s a shrug for all you who’ve passed me by So here’s forgiveness for the one who broke my heart So here’s good riddance to the selfish former self That’s not the end Much more to learn What good may come my way Is nothing that I’ll earn
12.
Just to live again, I couldn’t see I never died, I never died A massive forest hidden by one tree Just cut it down or walk around Inability to understand Of what went on, of what went wrong Holding tightly with an open hand All that I love, all that I have I was all worn out, my darkness spent With nothing left to represent Though the cords of death entangle me I rest my case in the unseen If to live again is what you need Victim of crime unjustified There’s a purpose in each place you’ve been You’re still alive, you’re so alive Time to cross the spot where you were hit And left for dead, no one to hold Someone can carry you across this street I know you know he won’t let go Just to live again, oh can’t you see You never died, you never died Take my hand and someday we might see why We’re still alive, we’re still alive
13.
I step on the train I’m running late Slept in again My work can wait This train is empty There’s no one around It takes me further Underground Finally I arrive And get out walking With my good friend Barney I get to talking He says it’s just been One of those days I agree in silence And walk away If I say hello They don’t have time They’ll talk to me later They think that’s fine I put on the suit I do what I’m told Guess I’ll watch this experiment As it unfolds Good Morning Mr. Freeman Good Morning Mr. Freeman Something went wrong Everything’s changing I’m feeling afraid My mind rearranging We paid for something That couldn’t be owned Consequence arising That couldn’t be known They’re telling me Go up to the surface Find some help To save us from this mess I picked up a gun I walked through the door Faced the horror Can’t believe what I saw Apprehension Fills this place An alien world Invades my space I wonder why I wonder when Or if I’ll ever see The sunlight again Help us Mr. Freeman Save us all Mr. Freeman Where does hope go When plunged into darkness Heading for the pit For ultimate progress Help is coming But not for us We’re part of the problem A slice of the cost Opposing force Upon our doorstep They’re coming to save the world They’re coming to kill us As long as I’m breathing I’ll make my stand They’re never gonna take me Cause I’m the Free Man Surrender Mr. Freeman Die Please Mr. Freeman They call it Zen But I think it’s hell I see the brain Behind my nightmare I took it out But am I free? A government man’s got a briefcase full of factors that controls my destiny Now what to do? I gotta choose To take this job Or face my death I think I’ll live Forget about Freeman Forget about Freeman

credits

released January 1, 2014

Dan Lathrop - Guitar, Vocals
Matthew Sargent - Bass, Album Art
Levi Dawson - Guitar, Ukulele, Piano, Djembe, High Hat, Mostaccioli
Recorded by Tyler Culligan & Trent Reed
Mixed by Trent Reed
Transition written by Mindy Dominick & Dan Lathrop
All other songs written by Dan Lathrop

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